Bears Advice

R. Dallas's Advice Page... (River Rat GM and DH Rob Barabe shares tips on hitting and baseball)

Mellen 2006

"Chick" Light in hand...

Ashland 2005

El Gato's head in hand...

Spring Valley 2006

Max Bat in hand, ready to mash...

Hudson 2005

Southern Comfort and Cokes in hand... parties to bash

Ah yes, back again with more advice for those of you who doubted... Those of you who hated... Those of you who just stumbled onto this page and wondered to yourself, "what the hell is this nonsense about?" Yeah, that's right, R. Dallas is back and ready to help the unwashed masses learn the magical arts of hitting and general managing. (Let's face it, it's much safer to talk about those subjects than it is to joke around about sexually transmitted diseases... That, and I was getting tired of being ridiculed by my parents for having such an obscene bunch of advice that I never even came up with...) Now where was I? Ah yes... batting and baseball advice... Let me break it down for you...

Hitting Tip #1: Know your opponent. Now being the Jedi master of the batter's box that I am, I can normally control the outcome of my at bat simply through advanced telepathy and psychic suggestions to the opposing battery... There are a few exceptions, such as the time when Zach Watkins continuously repeated my name while he was catching, but normally my focus is crystal clear... Barring your mastery of the power of suggestion, you need to think like the pitcher, and prepare yourself for whatever you feel he'll throw. When he throws that meaty fastball, belt it for extra bags...

Hitting Tip #2: Know the situation. This normally goes without further elaboration, but since you're sitting there reading this, I might as well explain further. Good hitters adjust their at bats and their swings to the particular situation-- if there's nobody on, nobody out, and your team is down a run or more in later innings, your job is to get on base, no matter what. How do you do that? Work the count and either get a pitch you can easily handle for a base hit, or entice the pitcher to nibble around the strike zone too much so he walks you. That, or you can lean over the plate a bit and take one for the team. Now if the situation is tie ball game, bottom of the ninth, runner on third with less than two outs, you'd best believe I'm going to do whatever it takes to get the run home-- preferably by driving the ball into the outfield for a sac fly or a base hit. I could go on for days on situations, but you get the idea. It's not necessarily the best players who make a great team, but the smartest players, and I'm close to Einstein's IQ for baseball knowledge, son...

Hitting Tip #3: Know your role. This is a tough one for a lot of dudes to take, often because they can't understand the concept of team play. Either that, or they're spending too much time living inside their head and away from the world in which the rest of us reside. If your role is to play shortstop every day and bat leadoff, then make damn sure you can do that better than anybody else, period. Accept your role and thrive-- if you don't think the role fits you, you'd best sort that out with the people in charge... Preferably over a few rounds of Southern Comfort and Diet Coke... If you're like me, and you're a pinch hitting and DH'ing madman, then wait for your turn to get a hack or two and get your groove on. Lead by example, not by deception...

Hitting Tip #4: Confidence wins. Thinking that you're not good enough to step up and rake? Did your testes shrink up and wither like a cold day's swim at the beach while you were in the on-deck circle? Or did you think that you're not man enough to face that guy throwing junk that doesn't go over 60 mph? If so, then take a seat on the bench and tell your teammate to step up and take a swing, because you aren't going to help anybody. Especially not your teammates who're expecting you to get a base hit. No matter who I face, I always think I'm gonna make them my bitch... It's all about confidence... That, and being able to see yourself hit off the guy on the mound. Confidence and imagination...

Hitting Tip #5: Take no prisoners. This is another tough approach to take when you know a lot of people in the league and have a good rep like I do... I don't like to make people look bad, but goddamn it, it's either him or me, and it ain't gonna be me without a fight. Never say die, never quit, and don't give into your opponent. Ever. That doesn't mean you have to be an asshole, it just means that playing the game isn't supposed to be all fun and games. It's ok to get pissed off. It's alright to take a guy out hard on a good slide. It's not alright to lie down and take a beating like an old dog. Keep that advice in mind before you give up the game for softball, or golf, or running marathons...

GM Tip #1: Call 'em All. This applies to several different operations-- first, it applies to scheduling games. Call as many potential opponents as you can, see if they're available, and then work them into your schedule. Failure to do this leaves you with the kind of schedule the Rats have had for a few years-- light and sporadic. Secondly, it applies to setting up umpires. If you don't have an umpire, you don't have a game, and if you don't have a game, you have to either go to the bar, or go golfing, or mow the lawn. Period. Thirdly, it applies to managing your players during the season. Calling everyone to know their status before games is time consuming, but it helps eliminate last-minute surprises from the guy who you thought was going to be in left field and batting sixth when he tells you he's working in Ass Crack, Iowa on a pig farm for his third cousin by marriage... Lastly, it applies to media representatives. The only bad press is no press, and believe me, we've had plenty of that over the years. I'd rather have a two sentence blurb on a game we played over a week ago than see a two page story about Hudson's 12-14 year old girls adapted softball team...

GM Tip #2: New Talent Always Helps. That stated, you have to find new talent. Generally, it doesn't fall from the skies like manna from heaven. It comes from local high schools and colleges. It comes from guys who landed in the Twin Cities with a new job and four years of D II experience but no connections... It comes from a lot of odd places. So keep the gates and phone lines open and invite people to join your squad; you never know who your next standout will be.

GM Tip #3: Ambassadorship sells. If you can't be feared or hated for your extraordinary abilities (or even if you can), it still helps to win people over with a smile. That way you can pat them on the back and pick their pocket at the same time. Not that I'm encouraging petty theft... Actually, if somebody around the league caught you stealing their cash, you'd get a beat down and a bath in the St. Croix river... unconscious like... Never underestimate the power of persuasion and friendship-- charm and amicability can disarm your opponents, making them much easier to defeat, and much easier to persuade when it comes to picking up the tab on the next round. You have to admit that defeating a team and having them buy your beer is quite a combo.

GM Tip #4: Live in the now, but remember the past. You don't want to reverse that order. Keep in mind that you determine your future course based upon what happened before, for better or worse. Making the same mistake twice isn't fun, is it? Trying to recreate the past isn't all that fun, either... Build on your prior accomplishments and always strive to make today and tomorrow better than yesterday. Failing that, you can always pour yourself a tall drink at the end of the day, watch a little Chappelle's Show, and laugh your ass off like I do. (Only when my wife isn't around.)

GM Tip #5: Luck does not equal success. Success is made, not stumbled upon. I know what you're thinking, this is just another tip to work diligently and keep one's eye on one's goals. Well, damn it, that's the only way things get done. If you do the work yourself, back it up. If you delegate the work, make sure it gets done by following up and following through. Most of the stuff I do for this team is through delegation, and believe me, I follow up with people. Repeatedly. E-mail, voice mail, showing up at their house with a baseball bat, whatever... When you set out to do something, do it right, or don't do it at all, that's my motto. That, and playing Golden Tee for money... but that's less of a motto than a habit. Hopefully you can pick up what I'm saying here.

That should help any of you trying to get started in the amateur baseball game, at least here in Western Wisconsin, or God's Country, as I like to call it. Follow your dreams, work hard, play harder, and make sure you find someone special to settle down with by the time you kick the bucket. Those are my sage words of wisdom... That, and GO BADGERS! Take care of yourselves for now...