Bear's Advice (PG Version)
After over fifteen seasons of mind-numbing, mood altering, and oftentimes unprotected sexual promiscuity throughout western Wisconsin while playing for Hudson and Spring Valley, I thought I'd offer up some of the best advice I've gotten over the years to help keep your privates clean and itch-free. (No, this isn't only for enlisted men in the Army.) Special thanks goes out to my "brothers" for their assistance, as well as my original mentors with the Hudson Rebels, John Meyer and Scott Bauer-- may you guys rock forever! Here we go...
1. When seeking out the nearest available female (or male, if you're Ace or Gary) for post-game sex, make sure to avoid talking about yourself. Talk about your prospective partner, and then subtly suggest that you have the right way to have a little more fun. Or several ways... The more double entendres you can mix into the conversation, the better. Bring your condoms and then find the best place to work the mojo. Repeat if you're in Plum City and in a Rat's Nest tent...
2. Wear a rubber. Simple, yet effective. Even if your partner says she's on the pill, or wears a sponge, or whatever, wear a condom. Or two, if you're not too sure about it. Especially prudent for Ace and Gary... You may also find that your new friend has a latex fetish. It'll be a long evening in that case, in more ways than four...
3. If you're into the complete guide to tantric sex, or if you just like to be a respectful partner, feel free to "dally in the valley." In this case, be sure you have quick access to mouthwash and/or breath mints if you're going out to the bar or campsite afterwards. Wash your face as well-- there's no reason to look glazed when you don't need to-- this is also true for the female partner. If your prospective partner doesn't own a Fusion razor or a Braun electric shaver, be prepared for a jungle hunt.
4. While you might not need a reminder, feel free to urinate after you're finished... with intercourse, that is. Also do this activity in a urinal, toilet, or on a nearby picture of your least favorite person. (Standing U.S. Presidents and their current "enemy of the month" are popular photos for this purpose.) For the sake of brevity, I'm not going to mention water sports (no, not diving and water polo) because that's just weird. Warm, but weird. Urinating helps clean out the urethral tract and lessens the odds of nasty STD's sticking around. That, and you've had to pee since you polished off that 12'er at the concession stand...
5. After all is said and done, go have yourself a nice wash. Soap, water, a bar of Lava, and maybe even sandblasting equipment if you're serious about things. Who wants to be funky when you're not at the bar dancing or drinking? Not even James Brown or Bootsy Collins found that sort of funk helpful to their musical careers...
6. If you're feeling a little frisky and don't want to be risky, steer clear of the home run. This is extremely important if you suspect your partner was given a bit of GHB, Ketamine, or Rohypnol. No means no, but yes can mean a number of different things. (Such as, yes, you smell like the inside of my armpit after working out on a treadmill, but we can make out for a while...) Finger dexterity pays off too-- and is unlikely to get you into too much litigation after nine months or so. As in the above step, head to the nearest sink when you're done. Finger lickin' good isn't the motto of the day, believe me.
7. Ask around about your prospective sapphic conquest whenever possible. If your buddy mentions that the girl goes to school at Stout and is a frequent guest at the baseball house's keg parties, inquire further... If she mentions that she has to use a medicinal cream, state that you've given up sex for Lent. If she says that she is going to be looking forward to her senior year of high school, pray that you haven't performed any of the above listed steps. Then contact a lawyer and head to Mexico.
8. While not under the STD tip code per se, avoid the following potential partners at all costs: married people, teenagers below the age of consent (see tip #7 above), and "separated" people. Especially avoid the last two, because while they probably won't have an STD, they'll have plenty of other baggage or armed affiliates to bring you down... and you don't really want to "go down" that way.
9. Astroglide, KY warming jelly, and other personal lubricants will not protect you from STD's, even if you're heading down the Hershey Highway-- and if you are, please don't let me know. Seriously. Especially if you're only 20 feet away in a tent with a local girl who possesses a healthy set of lungs and a propensity for screaming "YOU ARE THE RAT KING!" Wear a condom in that case, and make sure you warm the person up a little beforehand. 'Nuff said on that...
10. Lastly, the main way to avoid an STD is to ask for a little help from Rosie Palms. Or preferably, your partner's version of Rosie Palms... This isn't foolproof with a partner, though-- wash, rinse, and repeat afterwards... If you're really nice you'll do the same for them and maybe even offer them a beer at the bar/campsite/concession stand. Also, if you're both working the pole (so to speak), please refrain from telling me the gruesome details. Just be sure to find a secluded area and police the area afterwards.
Most importantly of all, remember that risk-free, consequence-free, and morality free sex is only a dream. Protect yourself, protect your partner, and do the right thing whenever you feel the urge. Either that, or just find a nice old sock and well, you know what to do. For girls, you won't need a sock-- you just need a washcloth and maybe a battery operated device or two. Wash, rinse, and repeat. GO RATS!!!.
